The Single Life: Ep. 4: Self-Control Matters: Choosing God Over Impulse

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Welcome to the Diary of a Black Woman podcast, where we pray bold prayers,

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walk in bold faith, and expect a bold God to show up.

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I'm your host, Connie Morris, and we open every episode with the same unshakable

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confidence Jabez had in 1 Chronicles 4.10.

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Lord, bless me indeed, enlarge my territory, let your hand be with me,

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keep me from evil, and keep me from causing pain. And the Bible says,

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God granted his request.

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So if you're here today, get ready, because we're praying big,

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believing big, and walking in everything God promised. Let's begin.

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Hello and welcome back to Diary of a Black Woman podcast. I'm your host Connie

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Morris and we are continuing our series The Single Life.

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In our last episode we took time out to explore what undivided devotion to the

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Lord really means and how to put that into play.

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And today we are in episode four.

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It's titled Self-Control Matters. And this I believe when it gets really real

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of why people get married. So let's get into it.

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Our financial scripture is found in 1 Corinthians 7 verses 8 through 9.

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Our anchor scripture reads, Out to the unmarried and the widows I say,

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it is good for them to stay unmarried

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as I do, but if they cannot control themselves, they should marry.

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For it is better to marry than to burn with passion.

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Other supporting scriptures tells us that in Galatians 5, 22 and 23,

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it says, Because the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace,

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patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.

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Proverbs 25, 28.

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Let us know that like a city whose walls are broken, through is a person who lacks self-control.

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Above all else, arch your heart for everything you do flows from it. Proverbs 4, 23.

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And our final verses. But among you, there must not even be a hint of sexual

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immorality, Ephesians 5.3.

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But I think of that verse as a hint.

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It reminds me of how our mom and even our dad knows when we're up to no good.

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You know, when you're little and they can sense a hint of something getting

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ready to happen and how they can close it down real, real quick.

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I think God does the same thing that he, as our father, he's saying,

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I don't even want you to have a hint of sexual immorality.

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I don't even want you to think about it, look at it on TV, watch it and record

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it, hear a story about it.

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I don't want none of that still coming upon you as a single person.

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And that means that when he sees that hint, remember a hint,

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as our father, our earthly fathers and mothers know when we're up to something,

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so does our heavenly father.

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And I always think like, if you ever have that feeling where you know you're

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about to get into something, but yet God redirects you or you override it and

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it turns out not in your favor, that's that hint of sexual immorality.

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Let's continue with the boasting insight here.

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Paul is direct. He does not pretend desire does not exist. and he does not encourage

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people to live in denial.

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Instead, he places a responsibility where it belongs, on self-control.

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This is important because self-control is often misunderstood.

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Many reduce it to sexual restraint alone, but scripture presents it as something deeper.

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Self-control is the spirit-governed ability to restrain desire,

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emotions, impulses, and appetites and behaviors so that they do not rule over you.

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We see here that self-control is a spiritual control.

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It's not in your own power, in your own might. It's asking the Holy Spirit to

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help you with your desires, with your emotions,

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with your impulses, with your appetite, you know, and keep asking them until

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you get flesh come in order so that you can remain devoted to God,

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but also you will be able to develop self-control.

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The self-control does come in as we get older, right? As we understand like

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that's too much, that's not enough.

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Understanding what to do in those situations. Let's continue.

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This is important because self-control is often misunderstood.

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It is not weakness. It's not repression. It is a strength under the authority of God.

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Without self-control, people do not just make poor romantic decisions.

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They cross lines. They ignore boundaries.

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They use others for comfort, pleasures, access, or power.

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They turn desire into entitlement. This is where sin becomes destructive.

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In a real life example, let's say that you meet someone who says the right thing.

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They look the part and you feel like it's an answer prayer, but they are inconsistent.

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They do not honor your boundaries. They pull you toward compromise.

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They take, they make you feel guilty for saying no, and they want access without

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covenant. I know, let's repeat this

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because this is a powerful part in our episode four. What does it say?

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It says, you meet someone, they say the right thing, they look good,

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feels like answered prayer, but they are not consistent.

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They do not honor your boundaries. They pull you toward compromise.

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They make you feel guilty for saying no, and they want access without covenant.

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And instead of walking away, you stay because of feelings.

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What begins as chemistry becomes confusion. What feels flattery becomes draining.

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And what looks like connection now becomes compromise.

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What this is, this is not love. It's often a lack of self-control disguised as connection.

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And sometimes the lack of self-control is not only in the other person.

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It's in our refusal to walk away when God has already shown us enough.

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Self-control is not just about saying no to sex. It's about saying no to manipulation,

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fantasy, emotional dependency, ungodly attachment,

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repeated access to people who do not honor God.

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Let's go deeper. When self-control is absent, people get hurt.

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This section, part of our devotional, I call it a section, but this episode

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must go deeper because the absence of self-control does not only create dating

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mistakes, it can create devastation.

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When people refuse restraint, refuse accountability, and refuse to submit their

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desires to God. Others are harmed.

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This is a part of why scripture treats sexual sin and a lack of self-control so seriously.

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Without self-control, some people.

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Groom children, violate the innocent, manipulate the vulnerable,

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use age, authority, fear, or secrecy to exploit others, confuse lust with love,

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and power with permission.

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That is not weakness. That is wickedness. And we must say it plainly.

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Child abuse is not a mistake.

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Sexual abuse is not just struggle.

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Predatory behavior is not passion. It's sin, violence, and violation.

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Let's talk about the men. This is a women's devotional, but women,

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we have children that are male.

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We have a husband that's male. We have friends maybe that are male.

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Maybe relationship, work relationships that are male. This may also be clearly

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for our men and boys can be victims too.

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Many male survivors suffer in silence because culture often refuses to acknowledge their pain.

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Some were abused as boys and told to toughen up. Some were violated by adults and taught to bury it.

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Some were assaulted by women, by men, by family members, by trusted authority

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figures, and then loved carrying shame that never belonged to them. But God sees them too.

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Their pain is real. Their violation matters.

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Their healing matters. The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those

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who are crushed and spirit. Psalms 34 18.

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Abuse is abuse no matter who suffers it.

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And when self-control is absent in a person, the damage can ripple through generations

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unless truth, justice, and healing intervene.

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The difference between desire and disorder. You know, I'm going a little deep

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in this episode only because self-control is a fruit of the spirit.

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And this is something that we need to control,

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in this lifetime. Scripture never teaches that every desire should be followed.

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In fact, one of the marks of spiritual maturity is learning that desire must be governed.

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Galatians 5.16 tells us to walk by the Spirit and you will not gratify the desires

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of the flesh. What does that mean?

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To be led and guided by the Holy Spirit.

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To ask the Holy Spirit to help my flesh. Help me.

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Some people live as though desire gives permission. It does not.

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People say, you know, I have needs. What did the Bible say? The Bible says, have self-control.

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Wanting access to someone does not give you the right to take it.

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Feeling lonely does not justify using someone.

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Feeling attracted does not erase God's boundaries. When self-control is absent,

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disorder enters. And where disorder enters, people often get wounded.

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The modern reality of this is entertaining

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people you already know are not aligned with what you believe.

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Ignoring red flags, and I like to say flashing red lights because the attention feels good.

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Choosing chemistry over character.

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Mistaking pressure for pursuit.

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Calling lust love. Calling obsession connection. and excusing controlling behavior

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as passion, staying silent when boundaries have been crossed.

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This is why self-control matters so much because when people are not ruled by

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the spirit, they often are ruled by their appetite.

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A needed word for survivors, just for my survivors out there,

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if you have ever been abused, violated, groomed, manipulated,

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or touched in ways that dishonor your body and your dignity,

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What happened to you was not your fault.

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Their lack of self-control was not your burden to carry. It's not your burden to carry.

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Your worth was not removed by what they did.

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Your value was not destroyed by their sin. And your healing is not impossible.

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God is not confused about what happened. He is not casual about what wounded you.

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And he is not absent from the places where you need restoration.

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He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.

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Psalms 147.3.

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Spiritual reality. A person without self-control becomes dangerous to themselves and often to others.

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Like a city whose walls are broken, Thoreau is a person who lacks self-control. Romans 25, 28.

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Walls exist for protection. Without walls, anything can enter.

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Without restraint, anything can spread. Without boundaries, damage multiplies.

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And this is why self-control is not optional.

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It's protection. It protects your body, your emotions, your mind,

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your future, other people entrusted to your care.

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Self-control is not just sexual. It is emotional, spiritual, relational, and moral.

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It is the ability to let God rule where impulses once ruled.

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And where self-control is absent, destruction often follows.

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But where the Spirit is allowed to lead, boundaries become clearer,

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discernment becomes sharper, and healing becomes possible.

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I want to go into the second part before we get into our prayer and our decrees.

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And this part I added on because this is the fight that I see in the world.

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When I watch videos, when I kind of get ahead of a show, I say,

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this is not how God wants us to be. and it's titled The Fruit of the Spirit

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versus the Lust of the Flesh as found in Galatians 16, 23.

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So I say walk by the Spirit and you will not gratify the desire of the flesh.

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We're going to talk about the two natures.

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Scripture makes it clear there is an internal conflict within every believer.

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For the flesh desires what is contrary to the Spirit and the Spirit what is contrary to the flesh.

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Galatians 5, 17. This is not just about behavior. This is about nature.

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The flesh pulls towards impulse. The spirit leads towards self-discipline.

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The flesh reacts, the spirit responds.

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The flesh takes, and the spirit cements. This is the war that's happening within

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us. The works of the flesh.

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Paul does not leave this undefined.

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He names it plainly. The acts of the flesh are obvious. sexual immorality,

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impurity, debauchery, hatred, gore, jealousy, piss of rage, of ambition.

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Envy, wickedness, Galatians 5, 19 to 21.

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Have we seen that in action in our society? These are not just bad habits.

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These are evidence of a life being led by the flesh.

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Notice what is included. Sexual immorality, acting outside of God's design,

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impurity, unclean thoughts and intentions.

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Debauchery, lack of restraint, jealous and envy, comparison and insecurity,

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lack of emotional control.

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At the root of all these is one thing, lack of self-control.

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The fruit of the Spirit, in contrast, Paul describes what is produced when a

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life is led by the Spirit.

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But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness,

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goodness, faithfulness, stillness, and self-control.

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Galatians 5, 22-23. Notice this, it is called fruit, not fruits.

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That means these qualities are not separate. They are connected.

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When the spirit is leading, these things grow together.

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And the final one listed is not random. It's self-control.

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Why self-control matters. Self-control is the evidence that the spirit is leading,

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not your emotions, not your desires, and not your impulses.

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Without self-control, boundaries are ignored. Desires become decisions.

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Feelings override wisdom. But with self-control, you pause before responding.

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You walk away when necessary.

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You discern instead of reacting.

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You choose obedience over impulse. The spiritual insight, you cannot live a

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spirit-led life and a flesh-led life at the same time.

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Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh and its passions and desires.

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Galatians 5, 24. This means not every.

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Feeling gets followed. Not every desire gets fulfilled. Not every opportunity gets entertained.

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Some things must be crucified, not managed. Real life examples,

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when someone pressures you for access, the flesh says, just go with it.

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It's not that serious. You don't want to lose them. But the Spirit says.

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This is not a line, set a boundary, walk away.

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The question is not what you feel. The question is who is leading you,

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your flesh or your spirit.

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This is why self-control is not optional. It's not personality. It's not preference.

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It is evidence. It's evidence that you are led by the Spirit and you are submitted to God.

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You are not ruled by impulse. The flesh demands to be satisfied.

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The Spirit teaches you how to be disciplined.

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And the life you live will reveal which one is leading.

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Let's go into a reflection before we go into a prayer.

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In what areas of my life do I see the work of the flesh?

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Where is God calling me to crucify desire instead of managing it?

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Is my life producing the fruit of the Spirit consistently?

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And am I being led by feelings or by the Spirit? Bless, pray.

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Lord, help me to walk in the Spirit and not the flesh.

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Teach me to recognize the difference between what I feel and what you're leading me to do.

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Strengthen me to crucify desires that are not aligned with you.

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Let my life produce the fruit of the Spirit, especially self-control.

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Lead me in truth, discipline, and obedience in Jesus' name. Let's decree.

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I walk in the Spirit and not by the flesh. I will not be ruled by impulse or desire.

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The fruit of the Spirit is evident in my life. I choose discipline over temporary satisfaction.

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I crucify what is not aligned with God. Self-control is active and growing in me.

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What do we say about that? What do we say about that? I have a few more.

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I want to do the decrees because it's so powerful.

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So I want you to be able to say it and because our words do create a barrier

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of protection around us.

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And so when we say it, we believe it and then we just wait for God to do his part.

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We walk in self-discipline. So let's do this one. I will not be ruled by impulse,

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appetite, or ungodly desire.

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The Spirit of God teaches me self-control, wisdom, and restraint.

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I honor God's boundaries in every area of my life, and I reject manipulation,

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misuse of every counterfeit of love.

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And what was broken in me, God can heal. My life will reflect discipline,

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discernment, and truth.

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Let's do a final prayer. Father, teach me the power of self-control.

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Help me not to be ruled by feelings, impulses, loneliness, or desire.

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Strengthen my boundaries and sharpen my discernment.

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Whether it has been compromised, coming back into alignment,

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whether it has been abuse, fallation, or brokenness, bring truth,

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healing, and restoration.

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Protect the vulnerable, expose what is hidden, and deal with every work of darkness.

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Let your spirit govern my life so that I walk in wisdom, purity,

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and strength. In Jesus' name, amen.

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I want to thank you for listening. And I hope something in today's episode spoke

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to you, challenged you and gave you something that you can apply in your daily life.

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Take that time to reflect on it and take it back to God.

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I just believe God is calling us as single women.

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If you have children, let them listen to the single, well, they can listen to

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the whole podcast because it's all holy.

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But singleness is powerful because singleness opens the door for God's blessings

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in our life as single women.

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And when you take it back to God, you're saying like, I messed up.

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I need you to help me get this right. And then what does God normally do?

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He helps us get it right. And if that's your goal, then don't let it drift away.

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Take this time to just give it back to Him. But we're not done.

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We have two more episodes to go. And so I'm your host, Connie Morris,

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and this is the Diary of Black Women podcast.

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And I will see you on our next episode.

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Family, thank you for spending this time with me today. To every woman listening

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who has ever felt hidden, overlooked, or pushed aside, I want you to hear me clearly.

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God has not forgotten you, and neither have I.

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That's why I moved everything to our new home on pod page, so you would have

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one place to connect with me, read the devotionals, listen to the podcast,

00:20:35.789 --> 00:20:37.709
and reach out whenever you need to.

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If you want to leave me a message, send an email, or simply find encouragement,

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it's all there at diaryofablackwomanllc.com.

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And if this podcast has blessed you and you want to support the work I'm doing,

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you'll find a buy me, a coffee link on the site as well.

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No pressure, just love and community. Before we leave, I want to speak the word

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that I close with every time because somebody needs this reminder today.

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It comes from Jeremiah 29 11 14.

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I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and

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not to harm you, plans to give you hope in a future, then you will call upon

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me and come and pray to me and I will listen to you.

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You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.

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I will be found by you, declares the Lord.

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Beloved, God has a plan for your life, a real one, a good one,

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and as long as you keep seeking him, you will find him even from the hidden places. I love you.

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I'm praying for you, and I'll meet you next time.